Misunderstandings
by Barbara
Summary: Misunderstandings abound between Liam and Sandoval.


Misunderstandings

By Barbara

Disclaimer:  They ain't mine.  I wish they were, but they belong to someone else.

When I heard this song, my heart said, "This is Liam and Sandy."  To which my mind replied, "Don't be a fool.  This is a song about 2 lovers."  Heart: I know.  But it's so poignant, it fits them so well.   Mind:  Well, if it does, who's the one talking?  Heart:  That's the truly poignant part.  It could be either of them.

And so, I been working on this set of stories.  More than once I thought of giving up and just posting it as a challenge, but I kept going.  And here it/they are.

Same scene, different point of views, same song.

The song is _I've Been Around Enough to Know  by John Schneider_

Sandoval's POV

***********

As I wait for you to show up for this meeting I have requested, I wonder whether you even will.  You have no reason to trust me, no reason to come to a meeting with me.  The Companion Protectors and the Volunteers are searching the entire planet for you, destroying any Resistance groups they find along the way.  Meeting with me when you have no idea why I want to would be foolish.  And yet, I received a confirmation of the meeting time and place.  I'm afraid that means you don't care why I want to meet with you -that you don't care if you live or die.  After all the deaths, I am afraid you don't want to live.  I can't see you ending your life, so I'm afraid that you want me to do it for you by setting a trap for you.  

I still remember my feelings when I discovered the truth of your parentage.  Shocked would have been a mild word for it.   And after I started getting over my shock, I wondered how you felt about our relationship.  Did you love me?  Fear me?  Hate me?   Looking back at all the previous times you saved my life, I can believe you cared, at least at the beginning.  After all the times I tried to have you killed, though, and adding in my torture of you, I find it difficult to believe that you still care for me.  You have every right to despise me.  I hate myself for what I have done to you.  And if I hate myself that much, how can I ask you to feel differently?  I have hurt you so many times.  I can only imagine how much it pains you to have your father in charge of projects you hate, to see you father doing things you despise.  Adding in my part in the previous attacks on the Resistance…   I am certain you hate me, particularly now, after all that has happened since the discovery of your heritage.  My innocent mistake led to the discovery of the truth of your heritage and resulted in your having to go underground.  It resulted in the deaths of Da'an and Ms. Palmer.  The Taelon ordered purges of the Volunteers resulted in the deaths, primarily accidental of course, of 5-10% of the Volunteers for being "anti-Taelon", i.e. not pro-Taelon fanatics willing to commit any crime the Taelons ordered.  Those purges resulted in the deaths of virtually every Volunteer in the Washington Embassy.  Virtually everyone you have known or cared about is dead because of me.  There can be no way you can care about me the way I care about you.  But that doesn't mean that I'm going to desert you too.  I'm not going to leave you.

I see you as you approach me.  You are nervous, skittish, constantly looking around the room.  You have been hurt so much over your short lifetime that I am surprised you are not curled up in a ball in despair somewhere.  Your eyes are shuttered, your emotions hidden behind a wall you have created to keep out the world.  It is as though you have walled up your heart to prevent it from being further hurt.  Although I want to be on the same side of that wall as you, I know I have no right.  After everything I have done to you, I have no right to your love.

"Major," I say, "So nice to see you again."  And it is, nice to see you.  I _am glad that you are still alive.  I am not certain what to call you.  I want to call you Liam, but I feel I do not have that right.  'Liam' is for friends, and I am not your friend, as much as I might wish to be. 'Kincaid' is an out and out lie, since that is not your last name. 'Major' is inappropriate, since you are not really Liam Kincaid and thus don't hold the rank of major, but I don't know what else to call you.  And it is appropriate.  Although you have not been given the rank of major, you __have earned it with all you have done.  _

"I asked to see you because I have information on what the Taelons are planning next.  It should enable you to stop their latest plans and stay out of their traps for you."  I want to tell you that I wanted to see how you were doing, that I wanted to ask if you could love me, but looking in your eyes I can't say that.  They are blank, as though not showing any emotions is the only way you stay functioning.  I can't make you tear down that wall, not if it's the only thing keeping you functioning amidst the despair.

Hush.

Don't talk now,

You can't change anything anyhow

Just hold me close as the shadows bring us near.

I know you're not in love with me,

I'm not asking you to be,

And there's no use pretending why we're here.

I hand you the information and turn to go.  Knowing you're alive is enough.  I can't force you to love me.

"Sandoval," you say.  Not even my first name, let alone father.  I was right, you can't love me.  You can't even call me father.  As I look at you, I can see that you're struggling to say something.  Please don't.  I don't want you lying to me.  Please. Don't tell me you love me when you don't.  I'd prefer the truth to a lie. I see the anguish and despair in your eyes for a moment before the walls come back up.  I can't ignore it.

I hold out my arms, certain you will turn away.  You reach for me, and I pull you into a hug.  I want to remember this moment forever, even if you're only doing this because you have nothing else to hold onto.

You don't need to try and fool me,

You don't need to lead me on,

You don't need to say you love me.

I've been around enough to know.

I've been around enough to know.

I still your attempt to speak again.  "You don't have to say anything, Major.  I understand why you're doing this."  I don't want you to lie to me to make me feel better.  I know you're only holding me to try to hold onto a piece of your crumbling world.  It's not me you want to hold, it's everyone you have lost.

Wait.

Don't tell a lie,

Cause I just might believe it tonight,

And I know you're only trying to ease my mind.

But don't worry, it's all right.

I don't care if it's wrong or it's right.

Just hold me close and love me one more time.

You don't need to try and fool me,

You don't need to lead me on,

You don't need to say you love me.

I've been around enough to know.

I've been around enough to know.

As you stop trembling, I let go.  I turn to walk away, saying "I'll send you any new information I get."  I can't turn back to look at you.  I'm too afraid that I'd ask you if you could ever love me, and I don't want to force you into a decision now.  But my heart is breaking when you leave without saying a word. Not even "Thanks" or "I'll see you later."  I can feel my eyes filling, but I blink the tears away furiously.  

Perhaps, in time, I have a chance.  At least you agreed to see me, and you didn't pull away or flinch when I held you.  Perhaps, one day, you can love me.

Liam's POV

As I approach the agreed upon meeting place, my stomach roils with acid.  Why do you want to see me?  How do you feel about me?  Do you love me? Hate me?  Despise me for being part alien?  You arouse such disparate feelings in me, I wonder how I will ever determine how I truly feel about you.  You are the embodiment of all my fondest wishes, and the stuff of my worst nightmares.  I still see you in my dreams every night.  But now, I no longer dream of how you will discover the truth of my parentage.  You already know it.  Now I dream of you embracing me, reviling me, turning your back on me… betraying me, as everyone else has.  And how will I react to you?  I love you, but your actions… your _projects are the stuff of nightmares…mine, certainly, at least.  And yet I still love you._

I keep wondering why you want to speak with me.  It's dangerous for you to leave the mothership.  I'm certain they suspect you and are watching you.  Other Resistance members have already checked out the site to ensure that you are not planning a trap for me and that there's no one following you who could inform the Taelons of my location.  Too many have died for me already.   The Taelons seem determined to get their hands on me, running roughshod over any human resistance.  I guess they want to get their hands on the only known natural hybrid in the hopes of using me to figure out how to create Taelon hybrids.

I wonder why, with all the danger, you want to see me.  I don't delude myself that it's because you love me.  I know I shouldn't judge you by your previous actions, but you've shown no ability to love anyone before.  As far as I can tell, you never even looked for me when you learned you had a son.  You didn't seem to be interested.  That, I suppose, is when my dreams started to die.  If you weren't interested in a son you didn't know anything about, how could you love a son that you seemed to despise?

As I see you standing there, I struggle to make my face impassive.  People are always telling me my face gives too much away.  I can't let it this time.  I can't let you know how much I hope to hear the words "I love you".  I don't want my feelings forcing you to say things you don't mean.  Looking in your eyes all I see is guilt.  I approach you, looking around carefully.  When I told the Resistance that I was meeting with you alone, there were vehement objections.  I want to make certain that are no overeager Resistance members around who'll shoot you at the first twitch.

"Major," you say, "So nice to see you again."  Sarcastic as ever, aren't you, Sandoval? You don't even call me Liam.  You don't want to be that familiar with me.  Friends call each other by their first names, but I guess even with my being your son, you don't want me to be your friend.

You say, "I asked to see you because I have information on what the Taelons are planning next.  It should enable you to stop their latest plans and stay out of their traps for you."  You didn't come because you wanted to see me.  Though, at least your tone suggests that you don't hate me for being part alien.  You want to keep me out of Taelon hands.  That suggests that you won't turn your back on me.  That's something, I suppose.  You have accepted I _am your son, and with that acceptance comes certain obligations, at least in your mind.  One of which is to protect your children._

Hush.

Don't talk now,

You can't change anything anyhow

Just hold me close as the shadows bring us near.

I know you're not in love with me,

I'm not asking you to be,

And there's no use pretending why we're here.

You were raised on the twin concepts of duty and obligation.  That's why you joined the FBI.  You were raised to believe that men were obligated to provide for their children, legitimate or not.  And I'm afraid you're here now because of that sense of responsibility.  Even though you literally had no choice in my conception, I am your child, and thus your responsibility.  I am afraid that that is all you feel for me.  I want you to love me because of who I am, not because you feel it's your duty to care for me. 

You turn to leave.  No.  It's too quick.  Wait.  Don't go!  "Sandoval" I manage to get out.  I want… I don't know what I want.  I don't know what I feel.  Just don't go.  I don't want to be alone again.  But how can I say that to you.  I look into your shielded eyes and the words die.  I try to cover up my momentary lapse, but you hold out your arms, and I just stumble into them.  I don't care if you're doing this because you think you should.  I just want to pretend for one moment that a father who loves me is comforting me.

You don't need to try and fool me,

You don't need to lead me on,

You don't need to say you love me.

I've been around enough to know.

I've been around enough to know.

I try to tell you how I feel, but you just say, "You don't have to say anything, Major.  I understand why you're doing this."  You know I'm pretending… that I can't manage reality, and right now, I thank you for not destroying my illusions, for not telling me you don't love me.  You don't have to say anything.  I know how you feel.  Duty before everything.

Wait.

Don't tell a lie,

Cause I just might believe it tonight,

And I know you're only trying to ease my mind.

But don't worry, it's all right.

I don't care if it's wrong or it's right.

Just hold me close and love me one more time.

You don't need to try and fool me,

You don't need to lead me on,

You don't need to say you love me.

I've been around enough to know.

I've been around enough to know.

As I get my emotions under control, my trembling eases. You immediately let go.  You turn to go, saying "I'll send you any new information I get."

As you walk away, I watch every step, hoping with each step that you'll turn back and say you love me.  But you don't.  Still.  You could have sent the information you gave me, but you wanted to see me in person.  And you did hug me.  I don't know why, but you did.  Maybe, one day, it will be love in your eyes, and not duty.  Perhaps, one day, you will love me.  There's always hope.

END


End file.
